I’m reading a Martha Stewart Living article about “Walk-In Pantry Ideas for a More Organized, Stylish Space.” I always appreciate some tips and tricks, but I can’t stop giggling. Goddess love’em, apparently, the friendly folks at Martha Stewart HQ think everyone has a walk-in pantry the size of a small ballroom and that having a “stylish space” is a matter of national importance.

Meanwhile, my so-called walk-in pantry is actually the closet under my stairs—the one I bravely cleaned out a couple of years ago. It came with those god-awful wire shelves. I dragged another wobbly plastic shelving unit from the garage and called it a day. Stylish? Ha! The only thing stylish about my pantry is how the canned beans teeter in a daring game of Jenga. Martha may have her color-coded baskets and mood lighting, but I’ll take function over fashion any day. At least my pantry’s “rustic chaos” theme is always on trend!

Let’s continue reading, shall we?

• Maximize Shelving and Storage (Or, How to Fit a Life Into a Shoebox): Fair point! I’m all for more shelving—who isn’t? But let’s talk about the optimism in this article’s first sentence:
  “Whether you are dealing with a walk-in pantry or any other sort of large storage space…”
  Excuse me? Walk-in pantry? I have a closet. Not a large closet. Not even a medium closet. I have a one-butt closet. And that’s if you’re standing sideways and holding your breath. If you walk in, you’re not turning around. You’re backing out like a nervous raccoon.

The article suggests adding pull-out drawers, wire baskets, bins, or built-in spice racks. That’s adorable.

• Pull-out drawers: Hard pass. See above: one butt, zero drawers.
  
• Wire baskets and bins: Maybe. But let’s be honest, bins are where things go to disappear. “Where’s the brown sugar?” “It’s in the bin.” “Which bin?” “The one behind the other bin.” “Never mind, I’ll just use ketchup.”
  
• Built-in spice racks: My “pantry” is in my living room, a good 20 feet from the stove. If I want to season my food, I need to pack a lunch for the journey.
  
• Consider Layout (Or, How to Play Tetris With Cans): The article says you need to ensure functionality (sure), and organization (Yes please!), and—wait for it—“aesthetics.” I’m sorry, what? Unless “aesthetics” means “whatever packaging the food came in,” that’s not happening. If you want pretty, go to Pinterest. In my pantry, you get what you get.

• Task lighting: LOL. I’m a renter. The only light in my pantry is the one that came with the apartment, and according to my landlord, I should be grateful it works at all.

• Clear containers: Sure, if you want to take out a second mortgage. I use whatever I can find: Dollar Tree bins if I’m feeling fancy, old mayonnaise jars, and the giant nut containers from Sam’s Club.
  
• Zones: Okay, I’ll admit, I do this. “This is the pasta zone. This is the ‘I forgot I bought this’ zone. This is the ‘what even is that?’ zone.”
  
• First in, first out: This makes sense if your pantry isn’t the size of a phone booth and you can actually afford to stock it.
  
• Create stations: The article suggests coffee or snack bars. Who am I, one of the Rockefellers? If I had space for a bar in my pantry, it would be a cocktail bar.
  
• Maintain your pantry: True. At least until the next time you buy groceries, the whole system collapses like a house of cards.
  
• Add Liners to Wire Racks:
  Genius move, honestly. I’m not above it. Sure, mine aren’t Martha Stewart-approved, and they’re about as attractive as a soggy cardboard box—because, well, they are soggy cardboard boxes. But hey, they keep my canned goods from toppling over like frat boys at 2 a.m. You know the boxes. They came with the cans. It’s recycling, reuse, upcycling, and other on-trend things. 

• Include Turntables in the Corners:
  I have one of these in my pantry. It’s about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. The only thing it’s spinning is my patience. But it’s there, mostly because I didn’t have the energy to find it a better home. Maybe it’s a lazy Susan because I’m a lazy human.

• Try Shelf Risers:
  Got ‘em. They work. They’re wire. See: “frat boys” scenario above. Basically, they’re there to give my cans a better view of the chaos.
• 
• Use Labeling:
  I love my label maker like a Kardashian loves a selfie. But let’s be real—my pantry is so small, if you stand in the middle and turn around, you’ve seen everything twice. If you can’t find it, you’re probably in the neighbor’s kitchen.
• Add a Catch-all Category:
  The advice: “Have a bin for your meal prep items, like taco seasoning or onion dip.” My entire pantry is one big meal prep bin. If it’s not for meal prep, why is it in there? The only thing I’m prepping is my patience.

And last but certainly not least…

• Don’t Forget Style:
  The article says to “make it cute,” add color, install roll-out shelves (because everyone has a secret stash of custom carpentry skills. Granted, I do, but this pantry doesn’t warrant the full-on treatment), and pick stylish doors or antique baskets. Maybe slap some designer wallpaper in there so my canned beans feel fancy. Because nothing says “I have my life together” like a pantry that’s more stylish than my living room. Excuse me while I snort-laugh into my mismatched wine glass.

They go on about maximizing visibility and minimizing clutter, using drawers (again with the drawers!), and making it “user-friendly.” How user-friendly does a pantry need to be? Hello! It’s not a theme park. I’m not spending my weekends in there.

It’s adorable that the lovely folks at Martha Stewart Living want my pantry to live its best, most beautiful life. Meanwhile, it’s probably the only thing in my entire house that is actually thriving and having a glow-up!

So yes, maximize shelving and storage—but let me know if you figure out how to make a one-butt closet work like a walk-in the size of a shipping container. I’ll be over here, backing out of mine.